Just another lunatic day

It did not start well. I got lost on the way to a hospital appointment. (It's me skin, doctor)

On the way there I noticed a hitchhiker. I didn't like the look of him and I was late so I didn't stop. On the way back from the hospital (They couldn't have been nicer, but the place smelled of school dinners) I saw another hitchhiker. He was probably in his late fifties or early sixties and I thought, "Why not?" The following is a record of part of the conversation, or rather, rant that I endured during the longest 20 minutes of my life:

Thank you, thank you.

Where are you going? 

Just to Haggisburn. I'm in the Royal Fusiliers and I get out on January 9th

That's good. Have any plans?

I'm in the Royal Fusiliers and I get out on January 9th. I am in the army and I have been in the Navy as well. You are English, aren't you?

Yes I am, but I have lived in Scotland for ten years.

But you are English. We could start a formula one team with a Renault Engine. You are English and you could contact somebody in Formula One. I'm in the Royal Welsh. I get out on January 9th.

Not really. I don't know anybody in Formula One, but I wish I did.

Do you know anything about engines? Are you bright You look as if you can handle yourself?

(The guy is twice my size)

Well, I'm OK.

We get a formula one team. Renault Engines. I used to be in the Police and then Scottish and Newcastle Breweries. Do you like beer? Do you know McEwen's Export?

Yes, I like beer and I drink McEwen's

What's McEwan's?

It's a beer.

So you know Nigel Mansell?

I wish I did, but I don't.

But you are English. You could get Nigel Mansell and start a Formula One team with Renault Engines. So, you are going to put me in touch with Nigel Mansell?

I don't know him. Do you, erm, like Haggisburn?

It's where I live. We are just coming into it now.

Oh good. Oh, good.